I opened my eyes and caught a view of myself in the mirror. Knelt on the floor, boxer shorts around knees, semi-flacid penis in hand and the look of the village idiot on my puffy red face. Wake up! You’re not on a yacht off the coast of Ibiza with a bevvy of supermodel porn stars (3 Brazilians, 2 Columbians and 2 Russians if you’re asking) whilst on a heady cocktail of liquid MDMA and viagra. You’re in your crummy apartment knocking one out like an over-sexed sweaty teenager despite breathing down the neck of fifty. Is this normal?
I think it is. Well if I talk to my friends it seems fairly common. I mean we all masturbate, it’s a healthy thing surely? Good to keep the old pipes lubricated. As a married man, if I wasn’t doing this I’d be unfaithful, is the slightly skewered justification I sell myself. A wonderful piece of internal monalogue self PR if ever I’ve seen it. I look at the screen and pretend it’s me in the video, much the same as if I was watching a guy surfing a monster Hawaiian wave or scoring the winner at Wembley – I fantastise it’s myself in the centre of the action and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of healthy fantasy? Is there? Except sometimes, just, maybe, just…sometimes, when does the boundary between fantasy and reality blurr and maybe, err, possibly, err, fantasy takes over.
Or maybe when, reality takes over and rudely gets in the way of fantasy – as it did one time, when I knelt down on the carpet to knock one out (low down, out of the way of any prying neighbours eyes copping a crafty sneak through the window) and after a 15 minute session could barely get myself off the ground due to middle aged seized up knees. I groaned – ‘ooh me, knees’ – as I tried to pull myself off the floor, boxer shorts around lower ankles, semen dribbling from the Japs eye and bent over double with stiff legs and joints. At least something was still stiff. Thankfully no neighbours saw this pitiful scene – nothing would steal your dignity quite like being stuck on the floor after a middle aged hand shandy gone wrong. Except perhaps being caught inflagrante with the school boy, neighbour, daughters friend * delete where applicable.